Episode 9 - This Just in...

As usual its raining. So heavy, in fact, and so windy that it seems like its going from left to right and not top to bottom.

Rushing home through the drone traffic is never a pleasure and today the weather just adds to the sense of distaste. In fact, it adds to the danger as white van man is always lurking.

The radio is on and there's an article about a hospice for children, somewhere in England. I was half listening when a nun started talking about a special room that they had at the hospice. The idea was, that when a child died, the parents/carers/close friends could move the deceased to a room that was made up to look like a bedroom, but had all the qualities that prevented the body from deteriotating in the days leading up to the funeral or burial. People could then give the room the childs personality by placing objects there that reminded them of the child, or just be able to visit whenever they chose.

Well, like most men I can be a bit emotional distanced from things like this, but I found the whole thing tremendously moving and was almost overcome by the sensitivity of this nun and the work that she and her colleagues did. The stories from the parents of a dead child were ones of imense courage and warmth.

Hanging around in a room with a dead person should sound macabre but I can see the comfort it could bring. It seems that in Britain at least, we tend to hide the bodies away as soon the spirit has departed, but maybe its better to "let go" gradually by spending time with the deceased?

Strange but possibly a help?

Hmmn. Death is a curious thing, but more affecting when it take the young.....

Episode 8 - Bad Day at Blue Hill House

Another Monday successfully navigated,

Unfortunately, this Monday veered from the irritating, via the slightly annoying all the way over to sad and tragic.

Irritating - a neanderthal driving a white van spent most of my journey to work trying to get in my boot. Any closer and it would've been intimate. Also, he must had new main beam lights for Christmas as he was so keen to show me and anyone else who got in his way. All this and it was absolutely pissing it down, too.

Slightly annoying - got told that I'm to be moved to another section. Only annoying slightly as I don't mind my current colleagues that much. Now I have to learn to be apathetic to new lot.

Sad and Tragic - I have a good buddy in work who I was keen to meet up with after the Christmas beak. For the last five years we've gone to lunch together, we share similar interests and laugh at each others jokes (OK, so he's just being polite.....well, I am!) and sometime put the world to rights.

Trouble was, he hasn't been around for a week and as it turned out for not good reasons. He'd kept it quiet for a little while, but his wife was pregnant. Trouble is, when they went for the 12 week scan they discovered that she had miss-carried. Needless to say, my heart went out to both of them. Its difficult to know what to say that could possible be of any comfort, but I think we all feel we have to say something? My wife and I, too, have know this kind of loss and even then, its difficult to say something that comforts - we knew ourselves that word, although well meaning and heartfelt, could and can never ease the pain.

Its like a death without a body and never having a funeral so that you can say good bye. Cliche, I know but time can heal but though you may learn to cope, it never leaves you. I don't know if my friend will be the same, but sometimes I've wondered about the person that unborn child would've become and it is then when I feel it the most.

Kind of puts life in perspective, doesn't it?

Episode 7 - Black.....

This is a self portrait.

Seems, I'm a shadow of what I once was.....ahem.

My wife told me today that she thinks I may be suffering from depression.

After looking stuff up about it, it seems she may be right.

Ok, the last sentence was a lie. I've been feeling down for some time (this blog is meant to help....) and I asked her, and she said yes, you are depressed - do something about it (in a nice way).

Thing is, what do you do? Now, thats probably the catch-22 of depression - you might know you have a problem. You may even admit it to yourself and others, but who can you turn to?

Yes, there are professionals but by going to them the cat is out of the bag.

As widespread as it is, people take a dim view of others who suffer from depression.

Malingerers, lazy sods...get a grip, get a hold of yourself, snap out of it etc.

When you hear that, or think that you will hear that, it makes you feel worse. It makes you think that you are pathetic and the spiral continues.

But, as I've said, its a start knowing, isn't it?

Episode 6 - Attack of the Psychotic Children

A few more days and the kids are back to school!!

Having spent the last 2 weeks or so being wound up (self wound!) and then being exploited by the commercial concerns of this fair country, it is now time (and none to soon) to hand them back to the educational system so that we, the parents, can regain some semblence of sanity!!

Ok, so we don't have to give in to guilt and buy our kids a load of crap they don't need and nearly always is left disgarded by Spring (or even earlier in lots of cases!!) but we do and as always are architects of our own downfall.

Sigh.

Our youngest has got so "difficult" that we have asked for advice for our Health Visitor. He dosen't respond to any kind of discipline (thats legal) and I'm sure smacking and what not wouldn't work either. Thing is, what is left for parents?

Ah, balls to it!!

As I say, we are architects of our own downfall.

Episode 5 - Family Values?

Ah, the sheer joy of returning to work. The sheer rush shuffling paper around a desk! The absolute excileration of just being a wage slave.....

I should be grateful that I have a job.

Its my daughters 18th birthday in a few weeks and she's having a party. Me and her mother had a bit of a fumble in the back of an A reg Mini Metro, in a laybay down a country lane back in 1988, and by 1989 it resulted in my daughter.

Pretty soon after we went our seperate ways, even though I have maintained contact with my daughter to this day. However as the years have gone by, my daughter and I have drifted apart and we've seen less and less of each other. Bit depressing, really.

I don't want to go to her party as her mother and family will be there. They've said on numerous occasions how they'd like to kill me and as such I don't wish to spend time in their company.

My current thinking is - I'm no going.

But, will my daughter mind? 18th Birthdays are a pretty big deal these days so my no show could make the distance between us all that bigger. On the other hand I could be in line for some unpleasnat abuse, which will help no one.

I think my parent are planning on going, but I suspect that they are not keen either.

What to do, eh?

Also, I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my parents and sister. For reasons I find hard to articulate without getting really annoyed.

What to do, indeed.

If I've done this right, there should be a picture at the bigining of this blog......

Episode 4 - Normal Service is Resumed?

Back in work tomorrow. I shall join the scuttle of drones to the office blocks of deepest mundanety - a place everyone knows but doesn't wish to go to.

But!

But, I have a plan and a cunning one at that.

A plan to escape. A plan to roll back the last twenty years of my professional life (such that it is) and start again. Sadly, there is the realisation that I have, in a sense, wasted those years. That is also a very crushing but at the same time, liberating thought.

Crushing in so much that, my god, I've wasted all that time doing stuff I wasn't really happy doing.

Liberating in so much that I've have actually realised the above and now can move on and get back to things that I used to enjoy so much.

I loved art.

I loved poetry.

And I loved just writing for the sheer joy of writing.

OK, I wasn't very good (as no doubt you've gathered from reading this.....if anyone is indeed reading this) but I enjoyed it hugely.

The plan is now, return to my roots and who knows make something of it. Re-connect fully with my dormant creative side.

Not for anyone else, but for me.

And my sanity.

Episode 3 - New Years Day!!

Well, what a surprise - its raining again.

New Years Day.

A day of new beginnings and for some, some old endings. First hangover of the year, first resolution of the year.

First everything. Taking a dump, making love, arguing, shouting at the kids, staying in bed and whole load of other "firsts".

Thing is, there really isn't anything new about the new year except the digit - 2006 becomes 2007. We've had 1st January loads of times before and most of us have done all the things mentioned above at least once - well, you'd hope so. Imagine not shitting for ever!!!!

Maybe that's how the universe got formed - God never took a dump because he never needed too - why would he, he's God? But one day, he thought he'd give it a try - he's probably got an arse and maybe he got curious as to what it might be for.

So, he knocks up an inter galactic curry, washes it all down with a few tins of lager and boosh!!! Eight hours later he crapped out the universe.

What that makes us, who knows??

So, anyway.

I phoned my friend Mike to wish him a happy new year. He spends his days looking after his girlfriends Dad, watching porn, fantasising about owning a Ferrari and likes to discuss the merits of High Definition TV - at length. He is also very highly sexed and is always looking for ways and means to broaden his girlfriends, ahem, horizons.

I've known him for 25 years.

During the conversation I mention that we (me and my wife) are going to a party up the valley, to see in the new year. Our friend Diane, who's house we are visiting, is on and off single and seemgingly drifting into a personal abyss of apathy.

Anyway, Mike takes an interest in Diane and asks me to give her his mobile number. Now, is it just me or would a bloke asking this of his friend be up to no good? Is it me or is it symptomatic of something else? That my oversexed, Ferrari loving friend wishes to play the field?

Hmmn.

As it happens on arrival at the party, Diane's on-off relationship is back on again. Her sometime boyfriend Rob is there is the kitchen making a salad and seemingly guzzling his way through an endless supply of Strongbow - I make a mental note to avoid the salad.

Mike texts me and asks me if I've popped the question. Not being a fan of texting I delay my response (until the following day....) and tell him no, I haven't asked her, no, I won't be asking either because she'll probably say no! Besides, why is Mike so interested in this whole thing, when it seems his own relationship seems to be going diddly fine?

He hasn't got back to me and I suspect he won't on the question of why, either.

Nowt so strange as folk.......